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Tuesday, 27 December 2011

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27 December 2011
Holiday ending in a week.
I've wasted 3 long weeks of my precious holiday doing nothing.
Yeap. Nothing at all.
Staying up late and waking up late. Everyday.
Facing real hard time.
I dunno what i want.
I feel emo every time i think about it although i tried my best not to.
Everything just seems....hard :(
I make myself busy everyday by downloading loads of phone apps & games to play.
I don't wanna think about it. Stop.
I...don't have the courage to even think about it.
Yes. I repeated this lifeless routine for the whole 3 weeks.
Hopeless right? I know :(
I've been admiring other people's life. Jealous about them.
Why does their lives seem so...perfect?
They don't seem to worry about their future like i do. Do they?
Their life seem smooth. So smooth. So perfect.
They are so firm. So determine in achieving their dreams
Everybody is enjoying their college life.
Bravely chasing for their dreams, and well-planned future.
But me? 
I'm so lost. So confused. :'( Helpless.
People study to achieve their dreams. Me?
I study just for the sake of study? To complete my course?
What the hell? So..................useless.
Does anyone in the world understands how i feel? Anyone at all?
:(
What makes me more worried is that mum retiring in 6 months time.
And that means...no more income after that. 
I'm really worried. Really really worried.
And i'm really angry with myself
why the hell am i still hesitating?? about my choice.

Sunday, 11 December 2011

End of Sem2.

10 December 2011
Semester2 finally ended.
Time flies.
Been really, really, REALLY busy for the past few weeks.
Abandoned this blog for months
suddenly have the urge to update it :)
Now, back to topic.
Seriously, been extremely busy with college life.
Rushing assignments everyday, burning midnight oil every night
ughh..really torturing!
those feeling when everybody is asleep and you are alone, downstairs, rushing homework
really awful! and lonely! :(
not forget to mention that, when you are extremely tired + sleepy,
and you still have to bare with it and continue rushing assignments.
What worse is, I have to repeat the same routine every-single-day!
It's just..really too much assignments. #horrible
And then today is finally the last day of semester2.
I realize something.
I stop and ask myself..
"Is this really the future that i want?"
"Is this really what my future gonna be?"
"Burning midnight oil everyday? Rushing jobs & works? Everyday?"
This is only college life. 
Bare in mind and be prepared that real working life is gonna be much more tougher.
Can i do it?
Before this, rumors spreading..
many of them says, ID career is not easy. 
We need to sacrifices alot.
Even my own lecturer said so
That time, i was determined with my decision.
 To me, nothing is easy in this world if we don't add in effort.
I always try to be positive and think that way.
But now...?
I started to doubt myself. Doubt about my decision :(
Did i choose the wrong path? :(
But it's too late now. I don't see any U-turn ahead.
There's no turning back? Especially when i'm a full scholarship recipient.
I just don't know. I really don't know. Don't want to know....
Dear God & Dad, please guide me.

这真的是我想要的吗?
我真的不懂。
我自己也回答不到我自己。



xoxJuliannaxox with doubt.