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Sunday, 30 November 2014

A Story That Might Save A Life

A story that might save a life.

Jotting down and sharing with you guys the moments, the difficult times that I've been through these few weeks. A story...A story that might save a life. I'm grateful that everything is finally under control now, have faith and believe that the sun will shines after the storm. 

The incident happened back from last few Saturday, where my mum accidentally fell from the stairs. We thought everything was okay as she was walking and even cooking normally, but we were wrong. So wrong. That midnight mum vomited on and off and slept. She was very ill. She was not herself anymore. Nobody would've realise that the fall had actually cause internal bleeding in her brain. A blood clot. I'm too stupid to even realise how serious it was. I knew that she was ill, but i really did not realise it was that serious. I brought her to the doctors and government hospital but NONE was helping. Her condition actually go on like that for more than a week. Yes, i hate myself. I'm sorry. I wish i would've knew about it and sent her to the private hospital earlier :'<

That was a dead hell week. You wouldn't understand how awful i felt. No one will understand. NO ONE. I was so frustrated. Desperate at the same time. I know she is very very sick but i cant help her at all. I hate myself. For a moment, i really hate myself so much. I regretted. Things would be better if I'm a doctor i thought. I was helpless. I couldn't help her. I can only see her suffer, which breaks my heart :'( I seek for help, i brought her to the clinics, i brought her to the doctors. I went to two private clinic and then to a government hospital. All they did was telling me that "she is fine", "she will be okay" etc. BULLSHIT. How do they even qualified to call themselves a doctor? I don't even dare to imagine what would've happen if i did not insist to send her to the private hospital. Timing is so important. Anything could happen in just split seconds! :((

Well, get the facts right. I'm not saying that all doctors are that terrible. But this is my true experience and what i've gone through. I'm not a doctor. Thus, i seek for doctors help. I know i have to trust the doctors. But if i were to blindly trusting those imbecile doctors, it might have cost my mum's life! I went to two private clinics and finally to the emergency unit in government hospital. What made me angriest the most is when i sent my mum to the government hospital. I'm burst with anger when i sent her to the emergency department and they labelled my mum as non-critical and sent us off to take number and wait for our turn to see the doctor. My sister and i, together with my half conscious weak mother waited for hours until midnight and then morning just to take those bloody antibiotics and headache vomit pills. They tested my mum blood, urine and even took the X-ray but only to tell me that mum urine is a little infected with bacteria and that's all. THAT'S ALL. The doctor clearly knows that she is so weak and barely even stand anymore but she comment NOTHING about it. SHE IS NOT QUALIFIED TO BE A DOCTOR. 

It's like i'm all on my own. Whether to continue trusting those doctors and seeing my love one suffer or trust myself, even when my own sisters don't trust me anymore. They thinks that i'm over paranoid and small issue make big. They said that i'm irrational and over concerning. Nobody trust me, nobody, not even my own family. I felt discourage and got so depressed. Depressed seeing mum weak condition. We went to see three doctors. Three different doctors, even tried the hospital. All the three doctors said that she's fine (WHEN SHE IS NOT). I've got no choice but to force myself to trust those doctors because i'm not a doctor. But the inner me, i knew that something is just not right. I was lost. I think nobody see how bad mum suffers as much as i do. I slept beside her every night to take care of her and it really breaks my heart. I'm left with just me, myself and my mum. I secretly cried to sleep every night with my sick mother beside me. I felt so helpless. And useless. If you were me, what would you do? I have nobody to ask.

Neglecting all other factors, I'm glad that i finally made the right decision of admitting her to the private hospital. I could not wait any longer. Mum could not wait any longer. She was said to have a blood clot in her brain and went for a immediate operation. Shocked, and there's not even sufficient time for us to digest the news before sending mum off to the operation room. Thankfully everything went quite smoothly. It feels like God has given me another chance. A second chance for me to treat my mum better, to love and to cherish her. I promise i will not take it for granted this time. 

However, this morning, my heart sank when i received the news that mum needs to go through a second operation. Mum needs to be reoperate. I... I don't know. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do. I'm confuse. I just want the best for her. Hope this is the best decision for her. The only thing i can do right now is to fully trust the doctor. And pray hard. 

I thought i feel relieve a little when i see mum's condition is improving over these few days and waiting to be discharged soon. Her condition did improved initially, but sadly it stop and things started to get complicated. My heart sank when i received the news today. I'm holding for so long. Tired. I know i need to be strong. I go to work as usual, managing my time between work and family. Distract myself from all the negative thinking. But...i can barely take on another 'surprise' for now. I can barely hold on anymore. I'm not tough. I'm not tough at all. I'm just acting because i don't want people around me to worry. I always comfort myself with all the positive thinking but sometimes being strong for too long makes one tired as well. The fear is haunting me. I'm scare. Tell me, how to remain positive when everything around you is just so negative? :'( I'm just a human afterall.  

I guess trusting the doctor is the only thing i can do right now. You will be well mum. Please get well soon. So many things happen at home. Our home is incomplete without you. So much stress that being tough is my only option left. Force to grow up and be an adult in just overnight.

The reason why i feel that i have to share this story with you all is that..i hope if, if and only if any of you are unfortunate to have face the same incident as me, you will be more alert, which may actually prevent this disaster from happening. Things might have turn out to be better if i were to send her to the private hospital earlier, and she get treated earlier. Also, if my knowledge regarding all these matter are not that shallow, regarding how serious a fall may cause, everything might not have been the same. Mum as well might not have to suffer for so long. Too dumb to even realise how serious a fall may cause. Things might have been even better if we can actually prevent the fall :(. But anyway, i'm really grateful that she is okay now. I hope that she is okay and i know that she will be okay. 

As a conclusion, please remember this, DOCTORS ARE NOT ALWAYS RIGHT. Sometimes even when one's blood pressure and everything is perfectly okay, it doesn't mean that one is really okay. Sometimes, it's better to trust your own instinct than sorry. Sometimes. Based on my personal non-professional analysis (which may be wrong), VOMITING and ALWAYS FEEL LIKE SLEEPING are some of the symptoms that have to do with the brains. In my mum case, her EYESIGHT was affected as well, it got so worse that she barely even open her eyes widely anymore before she was admitted to the hospital. So, please be aware of these symptoms.

So now, I'm right here, sitting beside my mum, beside her hospital bed, with her sleeping soundly beside me. I couldn't be more grateful than this. Thank you God. It has been more than 10 days now since mum has been hospitalized :'( Not mentioning about the medical bills, I just wish that she is well and pray for her speedy recovery. My instinct is telling me that mum will be well soon. It's not gonna be easy, but we will go through this together. We will overcome the obstacles together. Please be strong and don't stop believing. I'm always here. It's a challenging stage for me and my family right now but i believe in God. I believe in Dad. I know we can do it. We will go through this together.

As we grow, we learn. I wish i didn't have to learn about life in this cruel way, but what had happened cannot be undone. Accept it, have faith in God and be strong. It may be stormy now, but it cannot rain forever. I will not forget these moments until the day i die. 
Ohana. I love my family.

Monday, 17 November 2014

At this very moment, im very sad. Very very sad. Frustrated, helpless, depressed, stress. The fear is haunting me. The fear of losing her. Fear that she never gonna be the same old her again. Im feeling so cold, so lonely, so negative right i wish it was just a nightmare. Please wake me up from this bad dream. I can barely hold on any longer. Im tired. Im scared. Help me. Will i ever see her smile again? Feeling so discouraged. Really breaks my heart seeing her suffer and unconscious like that :'( The medication doesnt seems to be working. Am i overthinking? I dont know, i hope i am. The past week has been hell to me. Tears that i've shed secretly, crying in sleep everyday..i've been thinking alot. It makes me realise alot precious things in life. The fear. I love her. I wish her well. God, please heal her. Dad, promise me you will never let anything bad happen to her. Please wake me up from this nightmare. I'm really tired :'(

Thursday, 6 November 2014

NOTD | Golden Stud in Romantic Purple Nails

Nail Art : Elegant Dinner Nails; Golden Stud in Romantic Purple 
Nail Polish used : Elianto [05 Love Purple] x Sally Hansen [485 Golden-I]

Plenty of works and chores undone, but nahh there's always time for nails right? ;p hehe

Something brief and simple. Pretty easy to do as well. This set of manicure design is very suitable for hotel cocktail party or dinner event. Choices of colours are very important to create the elegant feel. Choose your ideal based colour (preferably something dark) and pair with the blingbling gold. Decorate with some studs and voila! There you go ;) Simple yet elegant dinner nails. :) 
p/s: Of course you can still do it even you're not attending any function haha ^◡^

Instagram : julianna_chan

Wednesday, 5 November 2014

The inner voice of an Employee; The inner voice of an Interior Designer

My ID Journey : My Life as an Junior Interior Designer

It's been a while since i officially step into workinghood. Starting to get used to changes and adapting to everything. Ever since i officially started my working life, i finally understand why are adults / employees so looking forward for Fridays and dislike Mondays. I never really understand before this. I actually felt that people are just saying it for the saying sake sorrymybad I finally understand the REAL meaning of TGIF and Mondayblue. :(

The inner voice of an employee. 
Every day we head to work, waiting for time to pass, looking forward for lunch hour. After lunch, we fight with sleepiness, stand strong till its time to go home. And the routine repeats. Miserable. We gather all our strength, hard, and finally hang on until weekend. But the sad news is, at times, even on weekends we need to rush design and complete our work. So holiday = no holiday. -.-zzZ In general, i think this is a stage whereby most of us will go through one day / had gone through. Of course, unless you are a rich kid who born with a silver spoon or so...

I do know that nothing comes easy. No pain no gain right? I'm yet to discover my potential in interior design field. It takes time. Well, its not that i totally dislike ID, sometimes i do find that ID is interesting. Also, not to forget the happy and fruitful accomplish moment when the client like your design and you get to bring your design to reality. Damn awesome right i know 8)) But let's be real. Reality is cruel all the time sometimes. Things don't always go smoothly. Client will not always like what you design. People might not always think the same way as you. You just have to make sure that you are strong; physically and mentally. And optimistic enough to accept comments and criticism with an open heart. 

Just a brief sharing, if any of you kids reading this right now, still hesitating about your future career, whether wanna pursue Interior Design course or yea, this is basically the life you'll go through as an interior designer. Not sure about other career, but yea..Of course, if you have more passion, you could definitely strive better and be a famous designer or be your own boss instead. Unlike me zzz. Please don't learn lol.

They always say, choose the job you love and you'll never need to work a single day in your life.
Truly said. Be your own boss, or at least commit to a job that you love and enjoy doing it, then you will never have to work a day in you life. Monday blue will not even exist in your dictionary. How happy :')) Or, of course you can also choose to accept your 'fate' and do something you doesn't like for the rest of your life. Third option, marry a rich partner and woohoo, enjoy life ;) That's probably the best choice i guess lol

Alright, back to myself. Hmm as for me, currently i just wish to settle down with my current company..maybe for a year or two,..searching for my potential in design field, at the same time chasing my dream, going for what i really want. It's challenging but it's definitely better than living in regrets :) 

Anyway, God has been really good to me. I'm grateful for everything. It's a rather complicated story about how i ended up with my current company. Whether its fate or its coincidence. Initially i wanted to go for another company but God knows what happen, it's a long story....but well, i believe that everything happen for a reason.

Working is still working, designing is still designing, rushing work is still rushing work whereas OT remain OT. But I'm still quite content working here actually. A small company, thus less drama / gossips, exactly something I'm looking for. It's not a very huge firm, but i got a feeling that it's just a matter of time. The best part is, their working hour start at 10am! My beauty sleeeeep :'D *sniff sniff* I mean, you do know right...5minutes of sleep really make a big difference and it really matters! xD I'm also very well-treated and given full support to propose my own design. Plenty needed to be improved though when it comes to designing :/ Other than that, i'm not very satisfied with the pay :( i think i deserve more. But anyhow, better days are yet to come hopefully. Bring it on, i'm ready yeahh! :))

Instagram : julianna_chan